05 Aug 09 12:49 am
I’ve had a look through your sales copy and although it’s on the right track, there are definitely a few things you could do to make it more powerful.
1. The heading needs to be more specific and give the main benefit of your solution.
At the moment it addresses a concern and gets people interested by mentioning Microsoft, however I think it would be more powerful if it focused on the promise, e.g. Discover how you can fix the Red Ring of Death forever in less than 15 minutes with ex-Microsoft employee James Dean’s 5-step Xbox solution.
Adding specific time-frames and names etc is a proven way of increasing the power of your headline.
2. You need to move the first link above the fold. Again, this text could be more powerful. At present it says:
Click Here for the Most Trusted Solution to the Red Ring of Death
Why is it the most trusted solution? You haven’t provided any support or testimonials backing this statement yet.
What about: Click here to get the 15-minute Xbox 360 repair guide now!
You also need a bigger link at the end of the sales letter too. The links at the end of the letter are far too subtle at the moment – be sure to tell people exactly what you want them to do!
e.g. Get your copy of the 15-minute Xbox 360 repair guide right now for only $19.95 (or whatever the price is – again, this isn’t clear at the moment). A big Buy Now button at the bottom wouldn’t go astray either.
3. Who is James Dean anyway? His credentials need to be better established.
4. Consider putting your name and signature further up the page. A photo is also a really good idea for increasing trust.
5. You say in the title that sending it to Microsoft is the worst thing you can do. But won’t people worry they will void their warranties if they fix it themselves? If so, this should be addressed.
6. Text needs an overall polishing, there are some clumsy sentences. I would also suggest breaking the text down into shorter paragraphs for better readability.
All in all, you've made a good start. You just need to work on polishing the copy to ensure it covers all your readers concerns and gives them enough specific information to buy from you.
Roger C. Parker says in his book Roger C. Parker's Guide to Web content and Design that it's essential that any web content achieves two things:
1. Gives your prospects all the information they need to know in order to buy from you.
2. Gives your prospects all the information you know will CONVINCE them to buy from you.
Good luck :)