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Sales Copy Review needed

easyrider
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Sales Copy Review needed

Hi Everyone

I'd appreciate some feedback on the sales copy for the first product that I've created ("What Men Want").

The sales page http://attractmensecrets.com/ is not converting well (I have had a few sales, but not what I would expect) and I would like to know whether people think it is the sales copy or the layout that is the problem (or a bit of both).

I am driving traffic both directly from my site and from an autoresponder list that I created by offering the first 20 pages of the book (which includes the introduction and first chapter) as a free report.

Furthermore, I am 100% confident that I've got an amazing product to sell.

Just so you know, the theme I'm using (Janissary) is severely limiting and it was a feat in itself getting the page to look as good as it currently is.

As a result, I am going to create a completely new sales page using the OptimizePress theme, but I need to know whether I can use the same sales copy or whether this too needs a major overhaul.

Thanks for your help.

Greg
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Greg
 
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maryt
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Hi Greg,

Yes, change the theme. The layout of the site is not user-friendly. Visitors keep on browsing down the page to read more. For me, I prefer a page that has all the content neatly placed on my screen. If I will ever browse down, it will be just a few clicks but longer than that, it's not really helpful.

If everything will not fit in one page, maybe you can create a side bar and make a "table of content" format for the rest of your content. Choose which content are very valuable and should be posted in your homepage. The rest can be placed in sub pages.

More testimonials will help. Perhaps a video testimonial will be a great addition too. You also lack sharing/social media buttons/plugins. These tools are essential, especially if you want to have more visitors coming to your site.

I don't see any sign-up page as well. You may want to do this to have a list of potential customers. If the purchase now button do not work well, then maybe a newsletter sign-up form will help. As I mentioned in another thread, people do not buy on their first visit. They may revisit your site again, but you have to have something that will keep them interested. A newsletter sign-up is one way to do this. They sign-up, get their free information (or whatever you will be able to provide them to keep them interested), and then after a few newsletters, you sell them something that they need.

I hope the above suggestions spark some ideas you can do for your site.

Good luck!
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jimcoe
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I see some visual issues. Like you say, they may relate to the theme you're about to leave.

1. Top text on masthead is hard to read. Characters are jammed together. If you have Gimp or Photoshop, you can get exact control over leading, etc. and then use an image for text (but no keyword value, except for the image alt text).

2. Black on a solid color is never a readable choice and also looks amateurish (bottom of masthead).

3. "The Essential Guide On..." sounds strange and stops me. The normal usage is "The Essential Guide to..."

4. Many of the text lines are too long. Keep length down to 56 to 65 characters (including spaces). This is easier to read and makes text more "inviting" and "friendly" during the instant one is deciding whether to read it or not.

5. Too much space between paragraphs, but not enough at left and right margins. Plenty of white space (especially on the left) is important for that "clean professional" look.

6. Check marks and bullets are too close to text and when text wraps, it should stay same as first line.

7. The photos are OK, but don't look right because of the inconsistency in their presentations. Make them all the same "toned photo print" color as the first - or all the same as one of the others, anyway all the same except for visual content - and all the same size (even the same aspect ratio, if possible).

The bottom photo is far better than the other 2 in subject. #1 shows a guy by himself looking rather severe and intimidating (whereas the woman reading wants a loving relationship). The #2 photo shows a guy ignoring his woman - also not what she wants to see. Don't know if you used these 2 negative images on purpose, but I'd say you need promising images of the visitor's "dreams come true".

8. [b]"Purchase Now" buttons[/b]:
"Purchase Now" is a direct command. I don't think it's a good idea psychologically to "tell people what to do" on button labels (in spite of the fact that practically everyone does it).

Instead, restate your Unique Value Proposition (UVP). Clicking on a purchase button is an action requiring strong motivation because it involves both taking an action and spending money. So you must do something to at least partially neutralize their anxiety. A better button would show the benefits of clicking. something like [ Download to Discover What Men Want ] or [ True Love Starts Here ], you get the idea.

Maybe just me, but I think the first Buy Button is shown too soon. It can annoy people to be asked to purchase before your offer is fully presented - it's that "Don't ask for marriage on the first date" principle (almost a pun in your case). Proper sequencing in the sales process is critical. Remember the AIDA sales cycle [Attention/Interest/Decision/ Action]. Aren't you asking them to "AA" and short-circuiting the "ID"?

I know it's advised to show a buy button above the fold, but there must be a lower position that works. maybe after the "too much space between paragraphs" is changed you'll get more sales copy above the fold - or maybe not with shorter lines.

9. Price is a critical product specification. I so hate it when I'm forced to click on a buy button - just to find out the price. You can expect massive shopping cart abandonment if you don't show the price in front.

OK, I just discovered the price, kinda hidden in a big gray text box at the bottom of the page. I'd make it prominent above the fold. Will they even scroll down if no price is given above the fold. Perhaps check your metrics to see if people are leaving in a few seconds, instead of scrolling down the page?

10. Guarantee:
I'd mention the guarantee earlier in the sales process too. A guarantee is one of those anxiety reducers - so it needs to sit right next to the buy button (even if you have to repeat it). You can just use a small guarantee symbol and link it to a full guarantee farther down with all the details.

I've noted that ClickBank offers a 60 day 100% Money back guarantee and requires their members to do the same. I assume they have done a lot of research and found that 60 days (and the rest) is ideal. So I always use their type of guarantee.

Another anxiety neutralizer is an incentive. You mentioned the autoresponder, but what do you offer as incentives to click the buy button?

11. Trust:
You don't show why women should believe your advice, other than "you're devoted to the topic" and 1 testimonial. Don't know what more you could do, but there must be something.

I don't think opening with "Dear Friend" sets "a tone of honesty" - quite the opposite. Chances are that, far from being a "Dear Friend", the reader is a total stranger - and they know that.

I didn't get into the text, but hopefully others will.

It seems a promising product and I wish you well with it!

Hope this helps...
_jim coe
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easyrider
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Thanks guys for your thoughts.

Macdalangin, this is a sales page as opposed to an ordinary website. Everything is supposed to be on just one page. Sometimes these sorts of webpages are about 20-30 pages long, although the trend now is moving towards short video sales pages.

I agree that more testimonials would help (and video ones ARE the best), but this is the only one I’ve got at the moment. I am not going to make up fake ones. As I receive more testimonials I will definitely add them.

Regarding sharing buttons etc, you don’t normally put them on sales pages.

Regarding newsletter sign-ups, this could work, however most of the people coming to this page are already coming from a newsletter sequence that they signed up for at from my main website. If and when I put this product on Clickbank, I might include another newsletter signup box.


Jim, I agree with most of what you say about the visuals, however I don’t have much control over them with this theme. I have zero control over the text on the masthead (other than the colour combination), I have zero control over the size of the image on the masthead (it is a strange size) or the one in the "Purchase details" section.

I have also not got control over the placement of most things. For example the first “Purchase Now” button has to be there (it can’t be removed), and the guarantee has to go at the end where it is.

In addition to what you say, I would have to add that the section where I have got “Just to recap …” looks like something from 1995 – it doesn’t look very professional!!! But it can’t be removed. In fact, this was meant to be the main selling area, but I modified it to just be a summary of the main features/benefits at the end.

What you and Macdalangin say reinforces my view that I have got a crappy looking sales page and it desperately needs to be changed. The OptimizePress theme should make it look really good.

Finally, regarding the photos: the first one is the “sexy bad boy” who women know they shouldn’t go for, but just can’t help themselves over. He is the bait to get the attention of women and hold them for long enough that they will start reading.

My strategy is pacing and leading (an NLP/hypnosis strategy that Eben Pagan advocates). When you describe the problem is the kind of way that the prospect does in their own mind, they then feel understood by you and are therefore much more likely to look to you for the solution. I am wondering though whether I have spent too much space on the pacing part.

The second photo of the man not paying the woman much attention is just below the text that says, “Are there signs that he is losing his attraction to you, or that he is just not happy in the relationship?” Here I am trying to tell a story.

The third photo is the start of the solution. I am trying to convey that when a woman reads my book she will meet an attractive guy and be romanced by him.

The fourth photo is what she is really after – the nice, socially acceptable “family guy” who has totally fallen in love with her and just proposed – she is showing off the ring.
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Greg
 
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gradyp
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I have to agree with Jim about the line length. That needs to be pulled in. One thing that could help, though, is I've noticed on many of the "high gravity" clickbank sales pages, the font is just a little bit bigger than the one you've used here. The larger font will help with the margin issues, but you still want to pull them in some. In fact, they'll even push the font for the bullet points even larger still to emphasize them.

I like the checkmarks, but you might consider a slightly larger version to make them stand out. Also, like Jim suggested, add some padding or margins around them to give a little space between the image and the text.

Looking at your response to Jim, maybe you need a better theme! :D
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jimcoe
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Ah! I see where your'e coming from with the photos now. Hope you keep us posted on the success of this NLP/Hypnosis strategy - interesting stuff.
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maryt
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No problem Greg. I am looking forward to your new sales page. Good luck!
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cterao
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Hey isn't that first photo Matt LaClear from the Warrior Forum?

Anyway, I just skimmed over the sales page, and here are a few initial observations.

Your initial hook could be stronger. A great way to do that is by combining an externally verifiable transformation with a set time frame.

So, maybe something like:

"Discover how to go from 'that girl' who sits at home on Friday nights alone while all of your girlfriends are getting boyfriends or getting married...

"...to the girl who can attract the right kind of guy into her life. The kind of guy who awakens that deep primal desire inside you, but who you're still proud to bring home to your parents...

"...All in the next 3 months or less."

Okay maybe that's a bit long, but you get the idea right?

Also, it seems that your text is a bit on the small side. Try bumping it up to 14 or so, and bold, underline, etc. some of the words and phrases to catch the eye of skimmers.

I think you go for the sell a little too quick. I would introduce some teaching elements before you introduce the product. Explain a little bit about what the broad theory is in your book.

I don't know if it would make sense since you're a guy, but you might also want to share a personal story of how you came to learn all this stuff that women can relate to.

Another common hook is to describe their problem that they're experiencing and then do a "it's not your fault" transition to describing how the system is fundamentally broken. This will alleviate any sense of self-applied pessimism and make them believe that, yes, they can do it.

Then cement the big goal they want for themselves in their mind by saying something like, "Image what it would be like to come home at the end of the day to your perfect man... The kind of guy who confidently takes the lead and sets the tone of a situation... The kind of guy who isn't afraid to open up and let you know who he really is...

"...Imagine what it would be like to come home to him and enjoy a cozy and warm evening with him, where you can relax and feel at ease, knowing that he is 100% there for you and fully loving you with all of his presence."

(This might not be the best copy, but I'm just kind of winging it here...)

I don't know the women's dating market very well myself, but I believe you've been an affiliate of other products in this niche in the past, right? Study the products that you know convert well. How is their sales funnel structured and what are pain and pleasure points that they hit on?

Two that come to mind are Kara Oh and Christian Carter. I think Meet Your Sweet also has something like the Get a Guy Guide or something like that. Again, I can't say the conversion rates on these, but I imagine they must be decent since they've attracted a good gravity on ClickBank.

One thing I would also do is set up a new email account and opt-in to all of your "competitors'" email lists to start to build a swipe file. Use this to study how they market and use that to craft better copy yourself.

Hope this helps...
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Clayton
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easyrider
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Thanks Clayton, there are some good ideas in here.

BTW, the first photo is a stock photo which is available here: http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=458505 . This is almost certainly not a photo of the guy on the Warrior Forum who you mention. He's probably just trying to make himself seem cooler than he really is lol
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Greg
 
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maryt
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Greg is using stock exchange photos. I actually seen some of these photos there :)

Mary
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cterao
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@Greg, Interesting... I'll have to keep that in mind if I ever cross paths with Matt LaClear again :)
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Clayton
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easyrider
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"Greg is using stock exchange photos. I actually seen some of these photos there :)"

And I'm sure you liked the 'Matt LaClear' one!
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Greg
 
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maryt
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@Greg, I sure did. LOL
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cecille.l
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Hi Greg,

I agree with jimcoe and Clayton's inputs. Those wide spaces make the page look like it's a series of separate posts instead of one page with continuous information. I think the copy itself could be further improved. It just is not compelling enough for me. Maybe you can try Clayton's suggestion:

"Discover how to go from 'that girl' who sits at home on Friday nights alone while all of your girlfriends are getting boyfriends or getting married...

"...to the girl who can attract the right kind of guy into her life. The kind of guy who awakens that deep primal desire inside you, but who you're still proud to bring home to your parents...

"...All in the next 3 months or less."


Or maybe you can try something like "Be the Woman EVERY man wants to be in a relationship with...
Find out how you can improve yourself and be the woman every man wants to bring home to his parents"
That still kinda sounds lame to me but I'm sure you get the the idea.

I think what you're having difficulty with is the theme. It looks very limited. You might want to switch this page over to something less constricting.

Hope that helps. Looking forward to a new and improved sales page! :)
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easyrider
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Hey guys, I would like your thoughts on my headline. Which do you think is best?

"Discover Exactly How You Can Attract the Man of Your Dreams Into Your Life and Keep Him Around Forever"

or

"Discover Exactly How You Can Attract the Man of Your Dreams Into Your Life and Keep Him Addicted to You Forever"
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Greg
 
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jimcoe
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I think "addicted" is a bit negative, although I understand how it applies. How about "..keep him with you.." or "..keep him loving you..". And "...Forever.."? Is that even plausible in a dream? Are we talking reincarnations? How about "..for life.."?

Cheers!
_jim coe
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easyrider
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My idea behind "addicted" is that it is a "power word" and sounds a lot more compelling than "around". My worry about this though is that it may be hypey. I wonder what the women on our forum think.

The reasoning behind using the word "forever" is that although it is obviously not strictly correct, it is a lot more romantic than saying something like "for life". I am trying to sell a fantasy here.
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Greg
 
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cterao
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How about...

"Discover The Step-by-Step Formula for Attracting 'Mr. Right' into Your Life in 3 Months or Less [or whatever a realistic time frame would be for your product...], and Getting Him Obsessed with You and Eager to Commit for the Long Haul"
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Clayton
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jimcoe
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Yes, I also like "obsessed" better than "addicted".

I understand that your selling a fantasy, and it's probably just me (and I can get rather intellectual), but I fear you're in danger of slipping from fantasy into silliness. Don't mean to be negative, but that's how it affects me personally.

Yes, women's opinions would be helpful, I think.
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easyrider
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Thanks for your ideas guys.

My thoughts are that your suggestion isn't punchy enough Clayton. Furthermore, I don't like putting a time-frame on it because everyone learns the material at a different pace. And the word "obsessed" doesn't sound very healthy - some women might think that it sounds creepy.

And Jim, I understand where you're coming from (I'm similar to you myself). But part of the problem may be that this is not your fantasy - it is the fantasy of a single woman in her 30s. That could be why you can't relate to it.

A woman's greatest fears are that she is not going attract a decent guy (and may miss out altogether) and that even if she can, she won't be able to hold on to him. This is what I'm trying to address in the headline - in a way that is punchy and highly compelling.
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Greg
 
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jimcoe
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Hi Greg,

Maybe just shorter is stronger? Editors are always deleting extra words to make statements more powerful, right? So, there's the "shorter is punchier" school of writing.

Hows about instead of:

Discover Exactly How You Can Attract the Man of Your Dreams Into Your Life and Keep Him Around Forever

Discover Exactly How You Can Attract the Man of Your Dreams and Keep Him Forever

Or even

Discover How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams and Keep Him Forever!

Cheers!
_jim coe
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maryt
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Hi Greg,

Like Jim, I would also keep it simpler and shorter. I suggest:

Discover How You Can Attract The Man Of Your Dreams And Make Him Yours Forever

or

Discover How You Can Attract Your Dream Guy And Get Him To Love You Forever

Mary
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easyrider
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Thanks guys for your suggestions. I have read through them carefully and have taken them all into consideration. Here is my new sales page so far:

http://what-men-want-book.com/


What do you think?


PS. I have continued to feature Matt LaClear quite prominently to keep Mary happy ;-)
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Greg
 
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maryt
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Congratulations Greg, I liked your new sales page. :)

And thank you for remembering me. I can't help but blush when seeing you retained Matt's picture there.. LOL.

But hey, Matt is the "ideal" guy for a lot of women. Nice choice of photos. I noticed you added a lot of pictures too and they fit what you have been saying along the paragraphs. And putting your pictures strategically (into your content) makes reading a lot easier even though there is a lot to read on your page.

I was just skimming the page but I am stopping from time to time whenever I notice an interesting picture (aside from Matt's stunning photo), the guy with muscles also got my attention and stopped to read what the paragraphs there read.

I also liked that you have put more "value" into the content like mentioning a university study on emotions and attraction. The testimonial is also a good addition.

Overall, thumbs up!

Mary
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easyrider
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Thanks Mary. I'm glad you liked it. Eventually I will probably put some sort of video at the beginning, as this is supposed to be good for conversions. But hopefully Matt will suffice for now!
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Greg
 
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cterao
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Goodness... I wonder if "Matt" knows he's being used to sell ebooks to women... :)

Anyway, looks pretty good. I haven't read through all the copy yet (no time right now...), but I like this a lot more than the older version.

One thing that initially jumped out at me is that you could use a PS at the bottom of the page, like:

PS: I just wanted to remind you that I'm so confident that this guide will work for you that I'm offering a 30 day guarantee, if you're even a little bit curious, go ahead and <<Link>>try it out for 30 days. <<Link>>

Anyway, let us know how it does :)
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Clayton
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easyrider
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Thanks Clayton.

And Matt only has himself to blame by misrepresenting himself through use of a stock photo! I did a search online for him and it appears that he has a few unhappy customers - some people are accusing him of being a scammer. So maybe this is a bit of a trend. I'm not sure ... But he also uses the same photo for his Twitter account.
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Greg
 

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